Project Mess Joke Of The Week

Changed every Sunday
(or when Dave D gets around to it).
Do you have a joke to share?

Animated Marijuana Leaf

I went into the Shell gas station this morning and asked for five dollars worth of gas. The clerk farted and gave me a receipt....

One Liner Jokes. Good, bad and ugly ..Please Don't take offence, they are just jokes!

These are for Brother Don...Enjoy!

Stamp Out Crime - Abolish the IRS

This Vehicle Swerves and Hits Pedestrians at Random

I have PMS and a handgun. ANY QUESTIONS?

Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

Cover me. I'm changing lanes.

Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep.

Your kid may be an honor student, but you're still an IDIOT!

Smile. It's the second best thing you can do with your lips.

I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

Tastes like chicken keep on licking. Tastes like trout get the fuck out!

It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.

Forget about World Peace....visualize using your turn signal.

Consciousness: That annoying time between beers.

Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

Born free... taxed to death.

Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.

If you smoke after sex, you're doing it too fast.

A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.

WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.

BEER: It's not just for breakfast anymore.

Some call it a six pack, I call it group therapy

HORN DOES NOT WORK- WATCH FOR FINGER!

Don't blame me! I didn't vote!

Mopeds are like fat women. Fun to ride but you don't want to be seen with em!

Don't drink and drive.... You might hit a bump and spill your drink.

My Kid Beat Up Your Honor Student!

Nice Girls Swallow!

Hang Up And Drive!

If you're not angry, you're not paying attention!

This bike is not abandoned!

I STOP FOR NO APPARENT REASON.

Don't like my driving? Call 1-800-FUCK-YOU

"KEEP HONKING".... I'M RELOADING

If you’re Cute, Single, and Rich, HONK!

Don't laugh, your daughter could be in here.

WARNING: Driver only carries $20.00 worth of ammunition.

Sex is like air, it's only bad when your not getting any.

If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, then baffle them with bullshit.

Constipated people don't give a shit.

Practice safe sex, go fuck yourself.

If you drink don't park, accidents cause people.

Who lit the fuse on your tampon?

If you don't believe in oral sex, keep your mouth shut.

If that phone was up your ass, maybe you could drive a little better.

Thank you for pot smoking.

To all you virgins thanks for nothing.

It's not how you pick your nose, but where you put the booger.

If your not a hemorrhoid, get off my ass.

I'm out of bed and dressed....What more do you want.

I love cats...dead ones.

One good thing about Alzheimer's is you get to meet new people every day.

If ignorance is bliss, why aren't you happy?

Hard work pays off later, laziness pays off now!

Don't get married. Find a woman you hate and buy her a house.

I still miss my ex. But my aim is getting better!

A closed mouth gathers no foot.

Losing a wife can be hard. In my case it was almost impossible.

Zero to bitch in 10 seconds

I don't discriminate, I hate everyone!

Wine me, Dine me, 69 me!

Student Driver-Get the hell out of my way!

HONK! If Monica Lewinsky blew you!

Practice safe sex, go fuck yourself.

Forget Subtlety... FUCK YOU!

Fuck the dog watch out for the owner.

If it's tourist season, Then why can't we hunt them.

Work Harder. People on Welfare Depend on You.

Hire the handicapped, they're fun to watch.

Happiness is lipstick on my dipstick!

You are smart as a horse and hung like Einstein!

I may be fat, but you are ugly and I can lose weight.

So many cats.....so few recipes.

My other ride is your MOTHER!!

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder

24 hours in a day ... 24 beers in a case ...coincidence?

Drink 'till she's cute, but stop before the wedding

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder

Happily Married Biker

Badass Biker Bob wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces
himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table.

He sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and
pressed. Bob looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotless, clean. So is the rest of the house.

He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table: "Honey,
breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping. Love you."

So he goes to the kitchen, and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating.

Bob asks, "Son, what happened last night?"

His son says, "Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and delirious, broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door."

Confused, Badass Bob asks, "So, why is everything in order and so
clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"

His son replies, "Oh, that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you said, "Lady, leave me alone, I'm married'!"

1. When I was born, I was given a choice - a big dick or a good memory....I don't remember what I chose.

2. Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.

3. A wife is a sex object. Every time you ask for sex, she objects.

4. Impotence: nature' s way of saying, "No hard feelings..."

5. There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men - 'don't' and 'stop', unless they are used together.

6. Panties: not the best thing on earth, but next to the best thing on earth.

7. There are three stages in a man's life: Tri-Weekly, Try Weekly and Try Weakly.

8. Virginity can be cured.

9. Virginity is not dignity, it's lack of opportunity.

10. Having sex is like playing bridge - if you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand.

11. I tried phone sex once, but the holes in the dialer were too small.

12. Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy.

13. Question: What's an Australian kiss?
   Answer: The same thing as a French kiss, only down under.

14. A couple just married were happy with the whole thing. He was happy with the Hole and she was happy with the Thing.

15. Question: What are the three biggest tragedies in a man's life?
   Answer: Life sucks, job sucks and the wife doesn't.

16. Question: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
   Answer: Breasts don't have eyes.

17. Despite the old saying, 'Don't take your troubles to bed', many men still sleep with their wives!

What started the fight?

One year, a husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a
cemetery plot as a Christmas gift.

         The next year, he didn't buy her a gift.
         When she asked him why, he replied, "Well, you
still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"

         And that's how the fight started.....
************************************************************************

My wife walked into the den & asked "Whats on the tv?"

         I replied "Dust".

       And that's how the fight started.....

************************************************************************

A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
         She is not happy with what she sees and says to her
husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need
you to pay me a compliment.'

         The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'

       And that's how the fight started.....
************************************************************************

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming
anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny
that goes from 0 to 200 in about 3 seconds. '

       I bought her a scale.

       And that's how the fight started.....

************************************************************************

I asked my wife, 'Where do you want to go for our anniversary?'

         It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.

       'Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!' she said.

       So I suggested, 'How about the kitchen?'

         And that's when the fight started....
************************************************************************

My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire
while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have sex?'

         'No,' she answered.

         I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'

         She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying 'Yes.'

       So I said, 'Then I'd like to phone a friend.'

       And that's when the fight started....

************************************************************************

I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light
for $14.95.

Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95.

I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold
cream.

         And that's when the fight started.....

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some
reason, took my order first.

       'I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.'

       He said, 'Aren't you worried about the mad cow?'

       'Nah, she can order for herself.'

         And that's when the fight started.....

LITTLE RALPHY ON MATH

A teacher asks her class, 'If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?'

She calls on little Ralphy.

He replies, 'None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot.'

The teacher replies, 'The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking.'

Then little RALPHY says, 'I have a question for YOU.

There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream:

One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream.

The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone.

The third is biting off the top of the ice cream.

Which one is married?'

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, 'Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.'

To which Little RALPHY replied, 'The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring on,' but I like your thinking.'

LITTLE RALPHY ON MATH

(Part 2)

Little RALPHY returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.

'Why?'asks the father?

'The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3,'' I said '6', replies RALPHY.

'But that's right!' says his dad.

'Yeah, but then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?''

'What's the f...... difference?' asks the father.

'That's what I said!'

LITTLE RALPHY ON ENGLISH

Little RALPHY goes to school, and the teacher says, 'Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?'

RALPHY says 'Mas-tur-bate.'

Miss Rogers smiles and says, 'Wow, little RALPHY, that's a mouthful.'

Little RALPHY says, 'No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob.'

LITTLE RALPHY ON GRAMMAR

Little RALPHY was sitting in class one day.

All of a sudden, he needed to go to the toilet.

He yelled out, 'Miss Jones, I need to take a piss!!'

The teacher replied, 'Now, RALPHY, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation.

The correct word you want to use is 'urinate.'

Please use the word 'ur-i-nate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go.'

Little RALPHY, thinks for a bit, and then says, 'You're an eight, but if

you had bigger tits, you'd be a TEN!'

LITTLE RALPHY ON GRAMMAR

(Part 2)

One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word 'beautiful' in the same sentence twice..

First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, 'My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it.'

'Very good, Suzie,' replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael..

'My mummy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully.'

She said, 'Excellent, Michael!' Then the teacher reluctantly called on little RALPHY.

'Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said 'Beautiful, just f...... beautiful!''

LITTLE RALPHY ON GETTING OLDER

Little RALPHY was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another.

After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said, 'Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat.'

Little RALPHY replied, 'My grandfather lived to be 107 years old.'

The man asked, 'Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?'

Little RALPHY answered, 'No, he minded his own f........business.

TICKLE ME ELMO

There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo
toys.

The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.
Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her
first day promptly at 8:00 am.

The next day at 8:45 am there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door.
The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee..

He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up,
putting the entire production line behind schedule.

The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men
march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed
up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're
really beginning to pile up. At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded
by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's.

She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.

The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it
around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between
Elmo's legs.

The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of
hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena .

"I'm sorry," he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, "but I
think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday..."

"Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles."

Golfing Hit Man

Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local
golf course when a guy carrying a golf bag called out to them, 'Do you mind
if I join you? My partner didn't turn up.'

Sure,' they said, 'You're welcome.' So they started playing and enjoyed the
game and the company of the newcomer. Part way around the course, one of the
friends asked the newcomer, 'What do you do for a living? ''I'm a hitman,' was the reply.

You're joking!' was the response' No, I'm not,' he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight. 'Here are my tools.'

That's a beautiful telescopic sight,' said the other friend, 'Can I take a
look? I think I might be able to see my house from here.' So he picked up
the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his house.

Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic. I can see
right in the window.' 'Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom. Ha Ha, I can
see she's naked!! Wait a minute, that's my neighbor in there with
her......He's naked, too!!!

He turned to the hit man, 'How much do you charge for a hit?' 'I'll
do a flat rate, for you, one thousand dollars every time I pull the
trigger. 'Can you do two for me now?' 'Sure, what do you want?'
'First, shoot my wife, she's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the
mouth.' 'Then the neighbor, he's a friend of mine, so just shoot his dick off to teach him a lesson.'

The hit man took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a few minutes.

Are you going to do it or not?' said the friend impatiently. 'Just
be patient,' said the hit man calmly, 'I think I can save you a Grand here.....oops................

Rrriiiiinnnnggg, rrriiiinnnngg,**

**"Hello?'**

*'Hi honey.**
**This is Daddy.**
**Is Mommy near the phone?'**

**'No, Daddy.**
**She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul.'**

**After a brief pause,**

**Daddy says,**
**'But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul.'**

**'Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy,**
**Right now.'**

Brief Pause.

**'Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do.**
**Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs**
**And knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy**
**That Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway.'**

**'Okay, Daddy, Just a minute.'**

**A few minutes later**
**The little girl comes back to the phone.**

**'I did it, Daddy.'**

**'And what happened, honey?' **

'Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming.**

**Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser**
**And now she isn't moving at all!'**

**'Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?'**

**'He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too.**

**He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window**
**And into the swimming pool.**
**But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water**
**Last week to clean it.**

**He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead.'**

*****Long Pause*****

*****Longer Pause*****

*****Even Longer Pause*****

**Then Daddy says,**

**'Swimming pool? ...........**

**Is this 486-5731?'*

**No, I think you have the wrong number.......*

A man with a gun goes into a bank and demands their money.

Once he is given the money, he turns to a customer and asks, 'Did you see me rob this bank?' the man replied, 'Yes sir, I did.' The robber then shot him.

He then turned to a couple standing next to him and asked the man 'Did you see me rob this bank?'

The man replied, 'No sir, I didn't, but my wife did.'

A woman goes to her doctor complaining that she has a smelly vagina. She explains the problem and the doctor tells her to take all her clothes off and lay on the examination table.

He inspects her quickly and then says, Right, just give me a second, please.

He goes behind the screen and comes back with a long stick that has a hook on the end.

Oh my god! screams the woman in terror, what are you going to do with that thing?

The doctor replies, I'm going to open a window. It fucking stinks in here

Jeff Gorden walks up to a PEPSI machine in a casino while at a race in Las Vegas, he puts in a few coins, and out pops a Coke. He puts some more coins into the machine, and another can of soda pops out. He keeps putting in coins, and cans of soda keep coming out. Dale Earnhardt walks up behind him and says, "Can I please use the machine?" Jeff says, "No way! Can't you see I'm winning?"

BANNED FROM WALlMART...........

This is why women should not take men shopping against their will.

After Mr. And Mrs. Fenton retired, Mrs. Fenton insisted her husband accompany her on her trips to Wal-Mart.

Unfortunately, Mr. Fenton was like most men--he found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out.

Equally unfortunately, Mrs. Fenton was like most women--she loved to browse. One day Mrs. Fenton received the following letter from her local Wal-Mart.

Dear Mrs. Fenton,

Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and may be forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against Mr. Fenton are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.

2 . July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away.'

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&M's on layaway.

6. September 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. September 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department

8. September 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'

9. October 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10 November 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the ' Mission Impossible' theme.

12. December 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.

13. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'

And last, but not least...

15.. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here!'

Regards, Walimart

This week we celebrate a special birthday! Monica Lewinsky turned 34.

Can you believe it?

It seems like only yesterday she was crawling around the White House on her
hands and knees, putting everything in her mouth.

They grow up so fast, don't they?

My favorite HALLOWEEN JOKE

Don't Flirt at the Halloween Party!!

A wife got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the Halloween party alone.

He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good time to be spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went.
The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, woke without pain and as it was still early, decided go to the party.

As her husband didn't know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him. So she joined the party and soon spotted her husband in his costume, cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice "chick" he could and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there.

His wife went up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his new partner high and dry and devoted his time to her. She let him go as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her husband.

After more drinks he finally whispered a little proposition in her ear and
she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and made passionate love in the back seat.

Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make up for his outrageous behavior.

She was sitting up reading when he came in, so she asked what kind of time he had. "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there." Then she asked, "Did you dance much?"

He replied, I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the spare room and played poker all evening.

"You must have looked really silly wearing that costume playing poker all night!" she said with
unashamed sarcasm.

To which the husband replied, "Actually, I gave my
costume to your brother, apparently he had the time of his life."

Did you hear about the cheap jerk who got away with giving has girlfriend an empty box for her birthday?

He told her it was a Stealth Bomber jacket.

A Day at the Beach

What do you get if you see a New York Yankees fan buried up to his neck in sand?

More sand

The Correct Way to Come Home Drunk ....Take it from SAMMY...THE PRO.....

Two married buddies are out drinking one night, when one turns to the
other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do.  Whenever I go
home after we've been out drinking.  I turn the headlights off before I
get to the driveway.  I shut off the engine and coast into the garage.
Take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs,
get
undressed in the bathroom, stick my bare foot in the toilet and pee
down my leg to prevent splashing sounds. I ease into bed and my wife
STILL wakes up, and yells at me for staying out so late! His buddy
looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong
approach.  I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the
steps, pee
hard into the toilet water, then use the full flush, throw my shoes in
the closet, undress in the bedroom, then jump into bed, slap her on the
ass and say!. WHO'S HORNY????!!!!!" and she acts like she's sound
asleep.  It Works Every Time

My Favorite Biker Joke

Happily Married Biker

My Favorite Yankees Joke:

On the first day of school a first grade teacher explains to her class that she is a Yankees fan. She asks her students to raise their hands if they, too, are Yankees fans.

Wanting to impress their teacher, everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl.

The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says, "Janie, why didn't you raise your hand?"

"Because I'm not a Yankees fan," she replied.

The teacher, still shocked, asked, "Well, if you are not a Yankees fan, then who are you a fan of?"

"I am a Red Sox fan, and proud of it," Janie replied.

The teacher could not believe her ears. "Janie, why pray tell are you a Red Sox fan?"

"Because my mom is a Red Sox fan, and my dad is Red Sox fan, so I'm a Red Sox fan too!"

"Well," said the teacher in a obviously annoyed tone, "that is no reason for you to be a Red Sox fan. You don't have to be just like your parents all of the time. What if your mom were an idiot and your dad were a moron, what would you be then?"

"Then," Janie smiled, "I'd be a Yankees fan."

My Favorite Beer Joke:

There's a big conference of beer producers. At the end of the day, all of the presidents of all beer companies decide to have a drink in a bar.

The president of Guiness , orders a Guiness, the president of 'Miller' orders a Miller Lite, Adolph Coors orders a Coors, and the list goes on. Then the waitress asks The President of Budweiser what he wants to drink, and much to everybody's amazement, The Bud President orders a Coke!

"Why don't you order a Budweiser ?" his colleagues ask.

"Naah. If you guys won't drink beer, than neither will I."